~Eulogy for Valerie Buchanan~

How do you compress 92 years of a life well lived into a brief eulogy? 

You can’t, it’s not possible. 

Neither is it possible to capture all the wonderful memories, thoughts and reflections so many people have shared with us about mum over the last few weeks.

All of you will remember Valerie for many different reasons but everyone will remember her for her great sense of humour, her kindness, her resilience, her fortitude and a smile that lit up the room.

She was a loving, reassuring, loyal presence in the life of so many people. 

I’ve been thinking recently of a quote from Maya Angelou;  she said, 

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you make them feel.” 

And our Mum had a wonderful ability to make people feel welcomed, loved, valued and at ease.

Valerie grew up in a close family, with her parents, Ethel and Jim, and her younger brother Michael.

Part of her childhood was lived in the shadow of the 2nd world war and like many of her generation we can’t help but wonder if this influenced the stoicism and fortitude  that Valerie carried with her through life.

Despite the war her school days at Lourdes Mount Convent were very happy. Mum made friends there she would keep for a lifetime and continued to attend school reunions right up until she was taken ill in 2017.

From an early age Valerie was passionate about literature, poetry, theatre and ballet. She studied speech and drama at LAMDA (the London Academy of Music and Dramatic Art) and pursued a career as an elocution and drama tutor working with schools and dance academies. And in her early twenties she even had a brief foray as an actor, appearing in a West End revue at the Fortune Theatre.

Many years later, once Allison, Craig and I were in our teens Valerie returned to work, this time as a volunteer at Ealing Magistrates Court, a role that mum loved and carried out for over 20 years. 

She was an advocate and support for people making court appearances, as well as supporting the solicitors. 

Valerie took it all in her stride, treating everyone with the same consideration, dignity and respect, and forging enduring friendships with her fellow volunteers.


In her late twenties mum met and fell in love with our dad,  Tom. They wed in 1960 and were married for 51 years. They had three children, Craig, Allison and me, and later they welcomed their cherished and much loved grandchildren, Elise, Sophie and Brady.

Our parents were very sociable and hospitable people. Guests were welcome in their home any time of the day or night. No matter the hour or the number of people mum was unfazed; the kettle went on, sandwiches were made, cakes and biscuits plated up. 

But it wasn’t just the food and the drink, Valerie had time for people, she had time to talk and time to listen, time to make everyone feel at home in her home. 

Relationships were so important to mum; 
close family, extended family, friends and neighbours, she took time and care with all of them. 

Mum knew the importance of keeping in touch; remembering birthdays, writing letters, catching up on the phone and just taking the time to stop and chat to people; 
in the street, in the aisles of Waitrose or with her neighbours in the front garden as she tended her beloved and much admired roses. 

Her local community was such an important part of Valerie’s life, she often spoke of how fortunate she was to have such wonderful friends and neighbours so close by. Mum loved the coffee mornings, the social events, the residents meetings and the just the overall neighbourliness. 

There’s no doubt the friendship, and support of her neighbours was a big part of mum being able to stay in her much loved family home after dad passed away and for it to be a happy and fulfilled time. 

It is overwhelmingly cruel that the stroke mum suffered in 2017 robbed her of so, so many of the things she loved; her interactions with loved ones and friends, her home, her social life, and so many of her joys and passions.

There were many times when mum was frustrated and sad, sometimes even angry, but there was never  self-pity, never any “why me?”, Valerie retained the dignity and fortitude that had seen her through life. 

Mum remained concerned and mindful of everyone around her, she never stopped worrying that we got home safely after visiting her, she never lost her good manners, her interest in other people and her sense of humour. 

And although her speech was all but gone, until the very end, at the end of our visits when we said “I love you” mum always managed “I love you too” in response.

So Valerie, darling mum, to paraphrase Maya Angelou; people may not remember what you said, they may not remember what you did, but Mum, they will always remember how you made them feel.

~END~

Katrina Buchanan